*WARNING*: Darkness ahead
Have you ever been screwed over so many times that you just don’t care anymore only to find out that you do, probably when you’ve gotten screwed over one more time? Actually, it doesn’t hurt anymore, not really. What hurts is thinking I can be the kind of person who doesn’t care. That’s not me. It never has been, although I am sometimes very good at hiding it. I can bluff a person with a straight face and go off and cry for hours. Right now, I’m introspective. I tend to get this way when I have a lot to think about and process. I could go without saying anything for days. Having a family sort of makes that impossible, because I care about them too much to blow them off like that especially for someone who has screwed me over so many times. When do the hard feelings overtake the good feelings? Where is that line? I have no idea, but it has been crossed. I guess for me it was screwing with my mom one too many times and then screwing over your own flesh and blood because of selfishness, fear, greed, whatever. Partly, I don’t understand how someone could do that and I don’t think I want to understand that. It’s too dark. I just want to get over it and move on, which brings me back full circle. I now have to deal with my feelings before I can move on. It may happen quickly and it may linger for many years. I don’t know what I want to do about it or how I want to handle it. Well, I know how I want to handle it, but I also know that that uncaringness is not who I am inside. I suppose it is a part of me, as humans we all have that potential, but I have chosen not to live that way. I guess the thought that I could makes me uneasy. Now, what do I do about it? I’m sure this doesn’t make sense to anyone, because it is literally the ramblings of my uneasy mind. I don’t want to be hopeful that a life will end sooner rather than later, but I find myself leaning that way. Otherwise my mixed up feelings will go on for years. As it is, they probably will anyway, but better to have the conflict resolved and work out the feeling and emotions after. I don’t want to have to care about someone who I don’t like. I don’t want to love someone I don’t like, but that is what God wants us to do isn’t it. Love our enemies.
Is anyone else a little superstitious about numbers? My mom’s “numbers” keep coming up today. The same exact ones twice so far today and a second one just dawned on me as I was writing this. My heart and my mind are battling it out and the turmoil is futile. I know what I should do, and it’s not what I want to do or what my family wants me to do, but it would also be good for them to see me do it. I’m sure they wouldn’t understand how or why, but they would remember it forever and it would perhaps shape their lives for the better. They say God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, but He sure does push the limits. I think I’m going to apply a bit of AA methodology to my life and take it one day at a time.
I’m not at liberty to be more specific at this point, but writing it down sure helps my brain organize the chaos. This probably belongs in a private journal rather than on a blog, but sometimes it helps to talk to strangers. I can vent here and appear all calm and together for the people who see me every day and they’ll have no idea of the conflict I’m working through. Sorry for the darkness. I hope I haven’t disturbed anyone by straying from my usual happiness here. That is why I put the warning at the beginning. I am still a happy person and leaving a little of my darkness here helps me stay that way.